Bombay Sapphire

After my experience with Redd’s Apple Ale, I became a bit emboldened. There has always been one liquor that I’ve been curious about ever since I saw advertisements for it on magazines as a child: Bombay Sapphire dry gin.

The reason for this curiosity is less about getting drunk or seeming like a sophisticated world traveler, and more about, well, Kool-Aid.

See, back in the late 1900s when I grew up, we weren’t exactly the richest family. As a result, I wasn’t too familiar with juices or fancy drinks. I knew Kool-Aid. Actually, we were more in the Flavor Aid wealth bracket (hey trivia side note: the mass suicides at Jonestown in 1978 were likely the result of drinking mostly cyanide-laced Flavor Aid, not Kool-Aid), but now and then when there was a special sale we’d have Kool-Aid as a treat.

By far, the best flavor of Kool-Aid was Ice Blue. Now I believe it’s called “Ice Blue Raspberry” but I always remembered it as just Ice Blue. When I finally moved away from home to attend BYU, I tried to no avail to find Ice Blue Kool-Aid at a local grocery store. Not finding any, I wrote a suggestion box note to the grocery store manager asking him to get some. He called me back a week later around 8 a.m. to apologize that he wasn’t able to find it in his catalogs.

So, given my love for the unnatural cyan of that sugary stuff (wait a minute… cyan… cyanide… Jonestown…), as a child when I saw advertisements with the crystal-clear blue bottle of Bombay Sapphire, I always wanted to try some just to see what it was like. The color is mesmerizing to me; it’s the color of the water at fancy white sand beaches and how I imagine the most beautiful parts of the Aegean to be.

So not too long after my first experience with alcohol, my family visited Olive Garden with a gift card we’d been given for a holiday. On my way in, I saw the brilliant jewel sitting at the bar and my interest was kindled. Was it finally time to taste the object of my childhood interest?

When our server reached our table, he asked if I’d like a drink and I asked about the gin. I told him, “I’d like to try some Bombay Sapphire gin but I’ve never had gin before. How do people usually drink that stuff?”

Our server reacted with a condescending scoff and said he’d ask the bartender. Apparently it’s humorous for a man in his thirties to be trying hard liquor for the first time, is it?

When he came back he told us that most people have it with juice or tonic. Gin and tonic, I thought. The drink of my British ancestors. The linguistic trans-galactic universal beverage. Of course I’ll have that.

See, I could have had it with juice but I figured why change the flavor of the drink? I want to know what the gin tastes like, not what it tastes like with cranberry juice.

Trembling with a swarm of emotions, when the drink came to our table I examined the liquid in my glass. Clear? It looked like water. Either our server made a mistake or I had been punked by the mesmerizing blue that spent a couple decades calling to me from my subconscious. I brought the (expensive) drink to my lips and had the following internal and external conversation:

My entire brain: AAAAAASSASERRSRGGHGHSERPKLEHHGHG oww ow ow ow CHRISTMAS TREE asdfalkj’aggljfglkrg christmas tree oh dude okay just choke it down you can do it everyone in the restaurant is looking at you don’t clench your jaw STOP CLENCHING YOUR JAW ow owww ow ow yowza ow okay it’s fine, maybe I just took too big of a sip gosh WHY MAKE A DRINK THAT TASTES LIKE A CHRISTMAS TREE

My wife: How is it?

Me: [nonchalantly] Kinda tastes like a Christmas tree.

My pre-frontal cortex: Okay dude that was horrible but listen, you paid like eight dollars for this and your waiter already laughed at you so you have to drink like at least half of it. Listen, it could be like hummus or doom metal where you didn’t really like it at first but it grew on you as you familiarized yourself with the nuances, so seriously you just need to take a few more sips at least. Let’s see who’s laughing now, that stupid waiter or you. Primary motor cortex, get that hand moving.

My primary motor cortex: Sir, you’re going to get us all killed.

My pre-frontal cortex: WHO IS IN CHARGE HERE, ME OR YOU?

My primary motor cortex: Umm usually amygdala but whatever.

My wife: Let me try that. [takes a sip] ACK that’s disgusting, blech, don’t drink that!

Me: It’s not all that bad. [sip]

My brain: AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH CURSE MY BRITISH ANCESTORS AND THEIR STIFF UPPER LIPS

***

Rating: I got through half of it. It ruined the flavor of everything else I ate. 1/5 stars.

Recommended pairings: Good with a blue spruce 2×4 smacking you in the teeth because apparently some people are into that sort of thing.